Anatomy of A Heart Break

This is my fifth attempt at writing as my efforts do not seem to sum up all the emotions in my mind and heart. How do I begin to explain my heart break? How do I make it possible for anyone to see how my heart breaks every time I think of Mama? Words seem to fail to paint the endless pain in my heart.

I have lost the love of my life… the very person who will always love me no matter what. I have lost my number one fan, my bestest friend, my anchor in the storm, the wind beneath my wings. We have lost our Mama. ┬áMama has left us on 15th May 2016.

I want to tell you of the strong, independent, generous and loving woman who has always been there for me. I want to tell you of how my world dimmed and collapsed when she left. I want to tell you about the feisty and independent woman who fought off the Big C 5 years ago. I want to tell you about the generous woman who was so giving that people can take advantage of her. I want to tell you about the woman who taught us to be giving and thankful that we are the ones who are able to help instead of the ones in extreme need. I want to tell you about my number 1 fan who always push me to do my best in everything. I want to tell you about a woman who gave food to a homeless man with dementia when he managed to get through our gate into our yard, instead of driving him out. I want to tell you of the disciplinarian who only focus on the behavior or action and never broke our spirits. I want to tell you about the welcoming woman who made sure that my friends and I have enough food when we hang out at our house. I want to tell you about the woman who still worries about her four adult daughters and her grandchildren. I want to tell you about a woman who made sure that we never lack for anything we needed. I want to tell you of the woman who made sure we were always loved. But my words fall short.

My heart was not ready to lose Mama. I bargained as hard as I could in my prayers but God has a different plan, I guess.

Mama… I will miss your daily messages on FB. I will miss your ‘kakulitan’ and endless questions about your medications. I will miss your worrying about my wellbeing and my singleton status. I will miss saying good night to you every night. I will always miss having you embrace me. Most of all, I will miss you loving me unconditionally even when I am in my most obstinate opinionated self.

Thank you Mama for loving us. Thank you for making sure that we were raised to become the best version of our selves. Thank you for steadying me when I wobbled in the past. Thank you for waiting for Rosanna and I to arrive so we can at least see you mouth the words, ‘I love you’ even if we could not hear the words due to the ET tube. Thank you for being patient and for loving us more than we deserved.

I do not know if my heart will ever recover from losing you in my life. I do not know if I will ever be to express the pain every time my heart breaks into a million pieces each time I think of you being gone from this world.

There is only one thing that I am certain of… I will love you Mama always and forever.

’til then my beloved Mama…