Princess and the Fortress

Up on the fortress, The Princess stands

Scanning the horizon with hope

Willing the champion to finally appear

Astride on a horse with intent

Challenge the dragon down below

 

Oh many times, a champion came

Poke the dragon but run in flames

Climb the fortress but stop midway

Challenge too high and Princess remain unseen

Down the windy road Champion and Horse went

To the sunset and never again to be seen
Princess stood on high

Surely the real champion will be by

Time and tiredness meant naught

As she kept her eyes trained

Sighs on wings of prayer sent

For ears to hear her fervent wish
Dear Champion where art thou

Will you ever find this way?

Dragon is but one obstacle

The climb will prove if you are true

Dear Champion here I await

Will you take me off the fortress built?
So still the Princess stood

On top of the fortress without stairs

Looking for the shadow in the sun

For her champion to come

Willing her champion to find her

Up on the fortress where she waits

Advertisements

Love…

Love…

Love does not demand conformity

Love sees the uniqueness

Love does not see lines drawn

Love is being individual but together

Love does not push nor pull

Love exist with or without

Love need not be understood but felt

Love is both wise and foolish

Love defies logic and rationale

Love is caring without limit

Love showers everything in rainbow

Love overcomes pain and boundaries

Love is not limited by distance nor norms

Love is going the extra mile

Love is timeless and ageless

Love is giving without expectations

Love goes beyond feelings

Love is thoughts and awareness

Love simply is… Love

Let there be Light

 

This year has been especially hard for me. There has been a dark cloud over me since 15 May 2016 that I find it hard to feel true joy even surrounded by happy people. But life must go on so I push myself out of bed each day.

This Christmas will be hard as it will be the first time, I will be spending it as an orphan. Some people may not be able to appreciate the feeling of being unanchored when both parents are gone, Some may even say that being an adult orphan will not be that difficult but I tell you… the pain is real.

Christmas has always been a big thing in our family. It is the most joyous of all holidays. Decorating the house is a family affair. Papa does the outside lighting whilst we do the inside decoration. Even when I am away from home, we still discuss about Christmas decorations over the phone and my Mama was always first to praise my decors ( no matter how meager it was as she will forever be my number 1 fan).

Christmas 2012 was hard for us as both parents got diagnosed with CA mid-year. Mama just had an operation and Papa – well, we knew his was a terminal case from the start so there was a big chance that was his last Christmas with us. So my sister, Arlene, put up the tree earlier than usual and bought shiny new decors so Papa can have his best Christmas tree. Allan, Arlene’s husband took over the light decoration outside of the house as Papa was no longer able to do it himself. 

That was indeed Papa’s last Christmas with us.

Christmas 2013 was a blur. I was jolted out of my stupor and sadness when Haiyan hit Philippines. We were busy doing charity work those days that I temporarily forgot about the pain of losing Papa that year. I knew he would have encouraged and supported me in doing what I was doing then. All my altruism were modeled from and encouraged by my parents.

Christmas 2014, I was just 6 weeks post-op and in no condition to be climbing up the attic to get the Christmas tree and decors, Mama told me to just buy a tiny tree and have some Christmas decors so that I can still feel the spirit of Christmas.  So this happened in Christmas 2014…

I had a small tin Christmas tree instead and made sure that I had the nativity set out as well ( so I did climb the attic after all to get the Nativity set).

Christmas 2015, I was slowly getting better dealing with the loss of Papa. As homage to the parol that he lights up outside our home, I decided to light up my own star in my flat. This delighted my Mama very much that we spent time talking about it over the phone. Little did I know that would be her last Christmas with us. 

This year, I felt too broken to even think of Christmas and decorations. I am what can be classed as a  highly functioning sad individual as nobody would have thought that I constantly had a dark cloud over me    My public face was the same but in my alone time- when nobody is watching, I allow myself to feel sad.  I did not plan to put up decors in my flat at all but my sister, Noemi, told me that my parents will be sad if I do not decorate for Christmas and let myself wallow in sadness.

I only made the decision to decorate in my flat just last week. I got the little tree delivered and bought the baubles. I had my tree up before the first Sunday of advent as per our family tradition. I am doing my best to see some light this year. Perhaps, I will be inspired to write a not-so-angsty blog again. Perhaps, my smile will eventually reach my eyes and heart. I know that my grief will most likely last beyond Christmas but until then, I will let my Christmas decors light up my darkened flat. And maybe just maybe, there will eventually be light. img_1427