Someday…
I will understand
… the pain
… the tears
… the void
… your reasons
Someday…
I will see again
… The brilliance of the skies
… The colours of the flowers
… The bittersweet beauty of falling leaves
… Beyond the colours of gray
Someday…
I just might
… stop crying at nights
… Laugh from my heart
… Feel beyond sadness
… Take a step forward from where you left me
Someday…
It has been a couple of weeks since I last went on a run. I thought that it would not be smart to run with palpitations besides I was feeling fatigued most days. Both the mind and body were unwilling.
Today, I woke up at my usual time and it would seem that the whole world is still asleep. Today, I have decided to fight this lurgy that has kept me from my running shoes. Today, I am going to ‘shake it off’ as Taylor Swift’s song goes. Today, I am going to just put one foot in front of the other and just run.
So off I went! The problem and good thing about me when I am running is that I see beautiful things along the way… The sky, the flowers, the trees, the fallen leaves… There were a lot of stops along the way. But I persevere. This is my run, after all, I can take as many stops along the way as I want to and it can be as long as I need it to be.
Some weeks back on my run, I turned back from a path that I have never gone through before. The quietness of the path and its ‘unknown’ trail and end had filled me with anxiety at that time so I turned back. But this morning, there was no apprehension, just determination to go. If I take the same route each time then I am depriving myself of discovering new things. Fear of the unknown should not rule my life. It is only through pushing the boundaries that I can grow and conquer fear. So without hesitation, I walked into the path.
First off, I was pleasantly surprised by the bit of green on the side of the path. It was very picturesque with the fog. It almost feel like I am not where I am. Surreal. It almost feel like I am in a Jane Austen novel. Purposefully I walked along the path and took some pictures along the way. What surprised me is that it actually is not as long as I thought it would be. There were no unknown assailants hiding in the bushes ( as my ‘criminal minds addled brain’ was telling me). It was actually pretty ordinary. It led to another street that looks pretty similar from where I came from. There was no need to be afraid to enter it. It was just a path that leads somewhere else.
So feeling chuffed with myself, I returned to my usual route. If nothing else, this morning I realized that ultimately it is only myself who can hold me back. If I let fear to rule me all the time then I will stop growing and discovering. Now I know what is in that path, it does not hold my curiosity nor do I fear it. It is just a path.
I have actually borrowed the title from the book by Marina Keegan. It was the catchy title that caught my eye and prompted me to buy the book. After all, I also want to know the word that is the opposite of loneliness.
I came from a family of four girls who did most things together growing up. As we only have one television in the lounge, we tend to like and watch the same shows. We liked the same boybands. We watch same movies apart from those that I was excluded as I was deemed too young and innocent for them (e.g. Basic Instinct). The weekend was often a family time. We used to hike up the mountain in Guadalupe to go swimming in the pool up the mountain (don’t ask me why it was up in the mountains.) or go to the beach. Saturday lunch will be seafood lunch as Mama would have done her weekly marketing and Sunday lunch was always special. My sisters’ friends and my own friends like hanging out at our home as it is welcoming, noisy and happy. Outside of home, I am surrounded by happy friends of like mind and values. So I really did not have time to be lonely when I was growing up.
Then I became an adult. I have been alone most of my adult life and like everyone else, I do get moments of loneliness. Often, they are self-inflicted moments because I isolate myself from my numerous friends. The times when I do not want to talk about what has placed the world on my shoulders. I sometimes cope better by being silent as talking will elicit the emotions and tears. But at crunch time, I am surrounded by friends who would rally up and refuse to let me wallow on my own. My good friends would know that they do not need to cheer me up and that their mere presence is enough. The problem will be pushed to the background as my friends engage my mind. My BFF of 26 years, who is far from me by some distance, would let me wallow then dishes out some tough love to get me going. There are also times that my friends and I just hang out for the sake of hanging out and everything is grand (as long as there is food!) These are the moments that are the opposite of loneliness.
Last night was prime example of what is the opposite of loneliness. It was the birthday of one of our friends and the invite was a last minute one but thankfully most of us were off. I was not feeling 100% over the last week and I was about to let myself succumb to the malaise of cough and colds and my emotional turmoil so I was trying to excuse myself. I did not want to spread the virus and I was planning to wallow in my emotions by listening to my playlists that I made for these moments. But my friends poo-pooed my attempt at excusing myself so Beechams it was! I am glad that I went. Instead of thinking over and over things I have no control over, I spent most of yesterday being happy. I did not have time to be lonely, sad, or confused. I was playing with my youngest goddaughter— encouraging her to walk on her own, going up and down the steps, chasing the ball and her kuya. Then we spent at least four hours talking (more like shouting, actually) with the kids playing amongst themselves, my friends’ hubbies huddled over the barbeque outside and us seated around the table. The topics ranged from the trivial to the soul-searching profound conversation regarding religions. When we were talking philosophically about things, I jokingly said that these are topics that people who have already imbibed alcohol normally have. But we transversed through our conversations sans alcohol. I love moments like these wherein my grey matter is stimulated by the conversation and the laughter actually reaches the eyes.
I am thankful for the moments that are the opposite of loneliness. They are validation that life is multi-faceted so even if one aspect is missing or hurting, there are more to life that makes us happy and thankful.
I now conclude, as yesterday aptly demonstrated, being lonely is a choice you make. You can choose to be with those whom you love and those who love you or be sad and lonely.
So here’s all to all my family and friends, may your moments of loneliness be few and those moments that are opposite to loneliness be many. Happy Sunday!
It is ironic that in a world,where information and communication can be accessed in a second, that there is still a lot of miscommunication. People still do not say what they mean nor mean all the time what they say. There are still a lot of things that go unsaid. In all these woes, confusion abounds which will result to missed opportunities and hurt feelings.
I am as confused and scared as You are because my heart and mind are at an all out war with each other. The smart mind says ‘impossible!’ but the heart is pleading for hope and miracle, adamant in its challenge ‘Why not?’ They say when the choice is between being afraid or loving the person that makes you happy, always choose love. So I chose to love You, amidst our confusing situation and emotions. I chose You over fear of the unknown and possible pain.
I believe that if it is meant to be things will work out the way they are supposed to work out. But we need to Make the choice. We cannot bury our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away. For a moment there I thought that You have made a choice but you took at least two steps back.
So here I am waiting for You to make your choice. My preference would be for you to step forward and hold my hand so we can face the chaos and confusion together.I want to believe that love will bridge the chasm that is between us. But if your choice is to walk away then I will let you go.
I have been meaning to ask
Are you the story
Or but a chapter
Or a line or two in this
Or a footnote
Or the addendum
Will you be a missed character
Or a fleeting relief comedy
Or one of the usual suspects
Or the hero who finally appears
I just want to know
Are you here for a scene
A heart beat
Or a second
Please do tell me so
Are you my story?
‘Til the last raindrop
You will be my first thought
‘Til the last raindrop
Your words will always make me smile
‘Til the last raindrop
I will dream of you
‘Til the last raindrop
I will always remember you
‘Til the last raindrop
I will care for you
‘Til the last raindrop
I will always be there for you
‘Til the last raindrop
I will wait for your love
‘Til the last raindrop
My heart continues to hope
‘Til the last raindrop
I will love you as I know how
At the crack of dawn
Fingers of light reaching out
Birds tweeting their day songs
Heralding a new day
A clean slate for 24 hours
All possibilities and opportunities
Filling heart and mind with a smile
I thought of you at sunrise
Stars twinkling into existence
Fighting off the invading darkness
Reflection of the hours gone
Opportunities taken, opportunities missed
Time to unwind and relax
A reflective light brings light to the shadowed world
A prayer said, head on the pillow
I dream of you at moonrise
Today I have decided to paint again after weeks of not painting. The idea of painting fills me with equal parts of excitement and anxiety. Excitement as I look forward to the time I spend painting and the end-product. Anxiety because it has been a while since I last painted and I did not want to fail after spending a considerable time on it.
I was undecided on the time of day or season my painting will be in so I used the gray gesso. Painting, unlike sketching, taught me a lot about patience. After applying the gesso, I have to stand back and wait for the gesso to dry up. In that time, I played music to get me into the mindless zone that I normally put myself in when painting or running. I did not over think how I will start the painting as I am confident that I have enough basic skills and imagination to have a good start.
The sky was taking shape and I was loving the shapes of the clouds however I was unsure on the highlight of colours that I placed on the clouds. The trees took shape with little effort. I decided to put colours on the trees and just like that the painting depicted an autumn scene. I decided to paint a swan on the river as I was observing the swans yesterday. The first swan turned out acceptable so I decided to paint another one that was flapping its wings. This swan also turned out to be good as well. These aspects of the paintings actually make a good picture already but I had reserved space for the foreground objects. I painted the bank of the river on the foreground. I was already happy with the picture but it was pretty obvious that there is something missing on the foreground. I need to have subjects on the foreground to become the focus of the whole painting. This time, I know I was over thinking it so I had to stand back and stop. I decided to eat a slice of roll whilst staring at the painting.
Part of me was saying to just leave it alone as it is already a good painting. Why risk ruining something that is already good? Swans! I actually painted beautiful swans so why risk ruining it? However, a big part of me knows that the painting is unfinished and that whilst the painting was already good, there was no real focus. It needed something to focus the attention of the viewer and complete the painting.It can be better.
So after I have eaten the roll and danced off the rest of my doubts, I sat down to finish my painting. I was uncertain on how to paint the people because I have not painted seated people before. (drawn – yes! but not painted as I only started painting this year). I painted the people as my gut dictated. I added more bushes and flowers on the foreground. I did not stop until my mind says, ‘It is done.’ After I placed the palette knife down, I stood back to look at the whole picture. In no way were the elements in the foreground perfect but they completed the picture in my eyes.
As I am sipping my hot chocolate and admiring my new painting, I contemplated that my indecision earlier on is like some instances in my life when I am like a deer caught in the headlights; stuck on the spot. Most aspects of my life, I know my mind or opinion about things. It is very rare that I cannot make my mind to take the next steps. I always make decisions based on evidence, science and logic. If those three do not provide enough basis for a decision then I go by what my gut says which has not failed me (yet). But there are instances where I am not keen on changing the status quo, when the current situation is already good… I do not want to rock the boat especially if the risks are high and the outcome is largely unknown. For all my bravado, I am definitely a coward at times in certain situations and will only man up when backed to a corner. The only good thing is that I am self-aware even if I chose to ignore a situation so eventually I will make a decision. I try not to have unfinished paintings in my life. It may look good at a glance and others may think that it is already good but I would know that there is something is missing.
That is enough introspection on a cold rainy Monday afternoon when I can just enjoy my cup of hot chocolate and my new painting.
I love you when the sun rises and sets
I love you through wind, rain and sunshine
I love you over mountains and valleys
I love you through time and distance
I love you with every good morning and good night
I love you with every beat, thought, and sigh
I love you in my waking and sleeping hours
I love you for no reason and every reason
I love you yesterday, today and tomorrow
I love you to the end and forever
I love you as my truth and my dream
I love you simply because I love you
missingleton 