I know I have to go
Leave the place where I stood
Waiting for twelve months
A spark, a light, a shadow
Alas, patience not rewarded
Accepted abandonment
Of being forgotten
Buried into oblivion
Hope grew wings and flew away
Taking away last ray of light
In darkness, I stare
Whisper a fervent prayer
For the void in my heart calls forever
Still you.
The tears flowed and never ebbed
The colours faded and not returned
The heart ached and ached
The eyes forever trained on the horizon
Music died and silence reigned
Clock ticking and yet time stood
Waiting for pain and love to fade
Yet here I am hoping and praying
Still…
What if….
I just Let it go
I Leave the words unsaid
I Make fear of getting hurt rule over
I let pride overpower love
I just accept it as it is
What if…
Tomorrow does not come
Time runs out
There’s no other chance
Our paths never cross again
We cannot reach across the void
What if…
I never get to say sorry
I never tell you I miss you every minute since
I never show you the tears our separation costs me
I never hold your hands again
What if…
You never know that I love you
What if…
You asked why…
Emotions flying high
Pride and hurt reigning
Love gone hiding
I have no right so you say
Rejection tasted bitter and seared
Reflex is to lash out and inflict same hurt
So I closed my eyes, holding the tears
So I have decided to keep mum
My regret and my reason for my pain and silence…
This truth I kept from you
You are my beloved
In my heart of hearts I keep you
Every minute, every second I miss you
Should have said, ‘ I love you’
Now in my heart I keep
My regret and my reason…
Eyes flutter open
Sunlight streaming in
Birds singing melodies outside
A thought, a feeling surfaces
A longing, yearning for completeness
Filling and bursting my heart
A thought, a feeling same as last night
Before sleep took away my consciousness
I knew it then and I still know it now
First and last conscious thought everyday is
You
Today a conversation of a lost love made me think about love and fate. Whilst a friend was reminiscing about a lost love, I tried to give reassurance ( rightly or wrongly so) by saying ,” I am of firm belief that we are where we are supposed to be and that we are with the people whom we are meant to be with”. Whilst this is my puny attempt in trying to cheer up a friend, I now ponder if I really believe what I have just said. Is this a ‘defeatist’ attitude that just accepts Fate handed out to us or is it yet my Pollyana personality showing up again thinking everything will work all right.
I have read somewhere that “Fate determines who comes into our lives but we decide who stays.” The fact that I remembered it, means that I agree with it. We have no control on who we meet along this journey called life but we can decide if we walk some distance, if not all the way, with some people or we take a separate path from them. But there are times when circumstances out of our control pull us apart. Do we just watch Fate separate us from people we love or do we fight tooth and nail to keep them in our lives? Are we but passive receivers of the dictates of Fate or do we take the wheel and steer our own ships?
I do meet a lot of people and I always make a point of knowing people’s names and a little about them. Like most people, I choose the ones that will see the real me. Once I have decided to make a person a friend, there’s not much I wouldn’t do for that person. I am worse when it comes to the. person I love. I do not know how to play coy or the game. I always wear my heart on my sleeves that it will be hard to miss that somebody is the object of my affection. My patience and resilience will be almost infinite. My friends attribute my being single to the fact that I love too much, that I do not hold back with my affections and that I give too much leeway to the point of being taken for granted. It is not because I do not have self-esteem; It is because I do not know how to love any other way. Besides, if I play the game then I would no longer be true to myself. I believe that the right person will love my quirkiness. I am like a yoyo that will always return no matter how hard it gets thrown. I will love so I will have no regrets and will not be asking ‘what if’ 20 years down the line. I fight my damnest to keep the people I love in my life but I also know that the other person will also have to be willing to stay and fight for me. Love and friendship cannot be forced for them to last. It needs both parties to acknowledge and work on the relationship. The latest song that won in Eurovision said, ‘My heart can love for both of us’ but sadly this is only a brilliant song lyric meant to pull on the heart strings. It cannot be done in real life without breaking down the spirit of the one who loves without receiving it back and overwhelm the beloved. Love can never hold another captive against its will.
So… is it Fate or Will? Both, I would say. Fate is what brings us together and it’s our Will that makes us stay. It will not always be smooth sailing. There will be spats and misunderstanding that makes you want to leave the path. There will be times that you may want some time alone but Just don’t throw the yoyo too far and too often for the string might break and the yoyo will no longer come back to your hand.
Fate… Destiny…. Will… Call what you the force that bring two souls together but there should always be one constant..,Love to the point of no regrets.
That moment…
When you wake up with a full heart
When you realised you’ve fallen
When you decided to accept the unexpected love
When you finally see the colours of the rainbow
When your smile reaches your eyes and heart
When you conciously love anyway despite it all
When your souls recognise each other
When your thoughts clicked without being spoken
When smiles and mirth happen spontaneously
Then that moment happens…
When you learned that your efforts are unnoticed
When you understood your invisibility and muteness
When your words were of no consequence
When you are bottom of the list
When your presence is no different than your absence
When your pain has silenced your spirit
When you walk away and no one holds on
When your tears drown your laughter
When your heart can no longer hold on hope
When you think of letting go and walking away
When you are asking yourself
Is now that moment?
Do you…
Think of me first and last in the day
Hear the thumping of your heart when we are near
Feel the fluttering butterflies in the stomach when we hold hands
Dream of prolonging our embrace each time
Wish to hold your hand all the time
Talk nonstop of our dreams and aspirations
Look forward to our sparring of wits and banter
Want to know how my day went when we are apart
Fall helplessly whilst staring into your eyes
Imagine the first time our lips will meet
Smile like a silly kid in your company
Miss my presence in my absence
Know that you hold the lock to my heart
I need to ask , do you…
Because I do.
In the garden…
I sit and dream with a smile
Thinking of the day we watch the flowers bloom
Immersing in the beauty and wonder
Of a lovingly tended garden
Roses, tulips, daisies, daffodils, Cherry blossoms
They bloom under the lovely sun
Like the flowering plants I wait patiently
For your promises to flourish
For you to finally find this lone flower blooming solely for you
For our hearts to beat together like butterfly wings
Filled with hope, happiness, and love
So patiently I wait here
In the garden
missingleton 